This should be a post about Jessica Jones or how I’m quite enjoying Pierce Brown’s Red Rising series thus far, but the truth is, I’m just too fucking weary. I’m physically exhausted, which seems to be a constant state that I’m sort of used to, but it’s beyond that. Life is winning today, and I’m too tired to fight it.
I’m shattered that there are so many angry, insecure people in this country who value some mythical right to hoard assault weapons more than the lives of innocent people.
I’m repulsed that our impotent government won’t do anything and that most people seem happy with that. It’s further nauseating that there seems no room for civil discourse and disagreement.
I’m so very tired of money, the lack thereof and all the other bullshit that comes with it.
I’m angry and heavy at how my person’s health is declining (again) and the ridiculous roller coaster of seeing doctors, getting scans, seeing more doctors and waiting waiting waiting for all the appointments. And worrying and wondering about how crappy the insurance will be. I’m sick of watching it be so hard for him.
I’m overwhelmed with trying to sort my life the fuck out right now, because there are many things I have to do as an adult human, and things I want and need to do to try to be a fulfilled creative being and I just don’t think I can do it all reasonably right now.
I’m so beaten down with feeling like every move I make or have made is the wrong one, each decision incorrect, every choice poor and maybe they are, but maybe they’re not, ya know? Maybe I’m doing ok and I’m just impatient? I mean, I am impatient.
I am 35 and not at all in a state of togetherness or success or whatever that I would have hoped to be by the time I was this fucking old. Some days this is more of a bother to me than others.
I’m just low today, and that’s okay. It’s okay to be exhausted and a mess and to sometimes be too affected by tiny things and not affected enough by big ones, because that’s just self-preservation sometimes. It sucks, but that’s how it is. And that’s okay.
I normally wouldn’t post something like this, but you know what?
I’m just too worn out and someone else might be, too. And maybe they just need to read that they aren’t alone and that it’s okay to feel all the things. So, here you go. I’m off to find coffee and take the dog to acupuncture.